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Gyming for Millennial Dummies

I don’t have a personal trainer but I’ve been taking notes on how these big millennials gym and have it down to 5 easy steps:

1. Wet your hair to give off the impression you’ve been sweating. Apparently, this fools your body into thinking it needs to burn fat.

2. Take a photo of yourself in the gym. Ensure there are other people in the background. This indicates that you don’t give a damn how much people judge you because you’re looking more dope than erry’bodah in the club.

3. When planning the caption for your photo, ensure it canvasses the following:

3.1. Be sure to dickishly and surreptitiously (even if you have to lie) indicate that you were at the gym super early when everybody else was asleep;

3.2. Be certain to include some form of body shaming and/or sexism. If fat people don’t know they need to come to the gym, there’s less satsifaction for you being at the gym and your body will be less likely to fool itself into burning fat when you wet your hair;

3.3. Justify the otherwise narcissistic and self-indulgent post by affiliating to some form of internal joke and/or competition (usually in the form of a hashtag);

3.4. Be certain to draw attention to the clothes you’re wearing which must indicate that you’re not a crossfit wanker and still can attend an awesome party without throwing words like, “synergy “, “equity”, “corporate”, “Carte Blanche” and “networking” into the conversation; and

3.5. Do indicate that no matter where in the world you are, you won’t miss gym. Checking in to arbitrary gyms in arbitrary areas burns more calories because your body is fooled into thinking you’re serious about gyming.

4. Make use of the filters while you pull in your stomach. You can mask this by focusing on your face and having a badass look. Nature is wonderful and through homeostasis, has made the look of pulling in your stomach and a badass look, one and the same look.

5. Ensure that you make use of the “feeling determined” feature. This will further fool your body into looking good as it indicates to it that your body is more determined than those of the lazy fat slobs not at the gym who are, by extension, not determined.

By way of example:

Joh. Alberton Virgin Active was busy at 5am this morning but so worth it for all these sexy thin chicks. I just saw my old Barba’s top in my closet and was inspired to move like I did in the club #JoshGymSelfieChallenge

What do you think?


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