How to Die at Oppikoppi: The Anti-Survival guide
I wasn’t going to do a survival guide to Oppi but after RWR and Texx happened to do lists of there own after I published 10 acts we’re amped for Oppi, I figured I needed to put something original out there and see how long it takes them to come out with their 2018 survival guides. Thing is, there’s nothing original about publishing “10 acts to see at…” and “how to survive…” articles. Media houses have been clickbaitingly drafting them for years (hell, I’ve even done one) so I figured, I’d write one for the person who wants to do some serious harm to themselves in the dust.
Having avidly reviewed Oppi from every angle, I have picked up the best tips on the most efficient ways to deplete your medical aid.
While not every tip is designed to kill you, you can pick the combination most suited to your needs…and if you need a survival guide, you could just do the opposite…to make your task easier, I’ve included a level of harm (or LoH) rating so if you want to get slightly damaged, you should aim for a collective 20. If you want to land in hospital, perhaps 40 will do it. If you’d like to lose consciousness temporarily, perhaps 60 and if you’d like Oppi 2018 to be your last fest, then perhaps 80…lesss’go
1. Pre-Top Bar Burpees
Yes! We know you have a premium countrywide subscription to the Virgin Active but there are no dumbbells for you here. If you’re keen to work out, I’m sure you could find a way but to get the most out of your workout experience, end it with a trip to the top bar. Even with the wings of a RedBull, the Top Bar access control in the form of a hill puts the infamous Grahamstown walk back up home from the Rat to shame. The absurd realisation that most of the older folk frequent the top bar makes for serious contemplation about one’s fitness but then you see them being carted up in some device and think, “man, I’d like to be cool like those okes when I grow up”.
If you’re keen on converting the air in your lungs into dust at a significantly faster pace, ensure you end your daily exercise routine with a young jog up to Top Bar.
2. Build a huge Bon Fire
Everybody loves a bon fire…the bigger the better. What’s more, everybody loves a good light show! Oppikoppi provides a platform to combine the two. If you build a fire big enough, laser lights shine on your campsite from the hill. Your mates and yourselves can get down to cool grooves while jamming to lasers and fire. Be sure to keep adding wood because as your fire gets bigger, the lights start changing colour. Eventually, even representatives from the organising committee will come join your camp site and party with you.
They’re generally quite busy and stressed though so when they arrive, they tend to be grumpy. Probably because they don’t drink and they just have massive jugs of water. More often than not, they spill their water on your fire and that stops both the fire and the light show. Since you brought all the people to your campsite for the awesome lightshow party and then didn’t follow through, you tend to be very unpopular for the rest of the festival and the majority of the harm done is to the ego and emotion.
3. Avoid Water
You’ll read many guides that tell you to drink lots of water and estimate that 10L for the 5 days should suffice but we say no! Why dilute your blood-alcohol level with something as benign as water? Some of us have gout and we can’t afford to drink that ph5 water the Pick n Pay in town wants to sell us. Do you know how painful gout is? Don’t risk it! Rather drink high alcohol content exclusively. This will fool your body into thinking that you are superman and superman never gets gout so problem solved.
Once, on Bullshit, Penn and Teller even got people to sign a petition to ban water…so you know it’s bad stuff! You might ask how will you shower or even mix your drink if you don’t have water. The answer? Don’t!
4. Ditch Your Baby Wipes
Being clean is important but who is to say what is clean and what isn’t? Earth is natural and in it is everything that apparently, according to the mainstream media, makes us dirty. So how can something natural in something natural on something natural be considered dirty? It makes no sense but we’ve been so brainwashed that the survival guides out there claim you need baby wipes to clean yourself but I say no!
The religious tend to claim that your body is a temple, and it is. There is no reason why you shouldn’t let bacteria and viruses worship in it. Your church/mosque doesn’t require you to sit in the sun all day, so offer your bodily guests some shade and you’ll soon see that your temple will be crawling with devout organisms trying to reach the inner site of their temple faster than a Scientologist aiming for Clear.
5. Have Sex
Sometimes you want your sexual partners to remember you without a monthly subscription for the next 18 years. Sometimes you want leave your mark without that awkward phone call 21 days later. Sometimes you want to be safe but you still want to have an effect. This is what makes Oppikoppi the perfect place to have sex! The combination of bodily fluids and dust forms a particularly poignant advantage of the festival.
If you look up to point 4 where we discussed how your body is a temple, you’d want as much surface area of your body to be available to your guests. The added feature of the body fluids extends the life expectancy of those using you without you having to breed yourself so in essence you’re creating life but without all the responsibility. As Harvey would say, win win!
6. Find Angel
7. Keep Your Eyes and Mouth Open
The stories of black lung come from experienced Oppi goers who always try entice you into buying bandanas, dust masks and buffs but that’s only because they’re all in bed with big cotton. I mean seriously, ask yourself. Why are these people forever wearing these buffs yet still complain about the black lung after? Where does the black lung really come from? Obviously it comes from the buffs themselves.
Think of the air at Oppi as air. Now think of a buff as a cone filter. It looks as cool as a cone filter sounds but all mechanics will tell you that a cone filter is bad for your car. Therefore, better you have no filter than one that is bad so it figures that you should just take the hit and do as Jason Derulo told, swalla!
8. Fiat Non Lux
Let’s just be honest. This one is just a casual brag of my ability to speak fluent Latin. It means let there be no light. In other words, don’t bring torches. You’re out in the environment and you shouldn’t be threatening it with batteries. Like Eminem said, you’d better lose yourself. The camp is cordoned off so it’s not like you need to see where you’re going. If you get to the barrier then stop and turn around until you eventually find some campers who are happy to have you around.
I mean, the whole Oppi experience, as I’ve mentioned before, is a whole blank canvass to do what you want with but nobody said you have to see the canvas. Let’s be real. You’re there for an experience not to go finding things like your campsite. So do yourself a favour, if you’re into finding stuff save some money, go to CNA and buy a Where’s Wally book. If you’re there for an experience, stumble around in the dark.
So what if you if you walk into a 120kg Retief’s girlfriend by accident? So what if you stand on a smashed bottle or tent peg? So what if you think you’re on the lavatory but you’re really on Catherine’s lap? All these stories will be hilarious to recollect after you’re discharged from the ER.
9. Respond Wrong
Oppikoppi has two parts to the name, “Oppi” and “Koppi” which crudely translates to On the Hill. Fine. For some reason, the natives of this festival love the name more than anything beyond it and insist on screaming “Oppi” at any waking moment. The culture has developed that the broadly accepted response is “Koppi”. In both instances, the scream is sustained so the words are followed by many “i”s. The quantum of the sustain is measured by the issuer of the Oppi “command” By way of example, Oppiiiiiii is generally responded to by Kopiiiiiii.
Should you wish to deviate from the traditional response, you may. The LoH is varied depending on your response. By way of example, a response of “vokof” (which is commonplace by day 5) would have an LoH of merely around 1 whereas a response of “Ja ek het jou sissie lekker genaai met bottor en konfyt” tends to elicit a higher LoH.
If you want to reach an LoH of 10, locate Baas De Beer and wait for him to issue the Oppi command then respond with “Huis Musiek”
10. Hangover Part 4
Yes! Of course you can delay a hangover by drinking more and you should, even if the collective hangover kills you in the end. I mean, Archer’s been doing it for years and he’s lasted 9 seasons and still going! The weak among you may tempt you with bacon and ultramel or even offer advice to stick your head in Kobus se gat but I say no! You are stronger than that.
Pacing yourself is the kind of advice you’d get if you asked a bunch of randoms what their best tips are on social media then copied and pasted them into a single article. You don’t want that. You want advice from the veterans, the ones who have been through and survived. Here I am and I am telling you that if you’re keen to not make it, then go for gold…or whatever the colour of your chunder is!
11. Embrace your Inner Hobbit
Shoes are for the average. Boots are for the weak! Feet are for the strong! That’s right, if you even put so much as cellotape on your feet you’re doing it wrong. You have 10 toes. You don’t need all of them! What even are they for? This is your chance to lose a couple and you should take it. If you go to Parys there’s an awesome little shop there named after somebody’s mom, The Dot Shop. It’s mostly filled with interesting second hand stuff but they have bins full of old army boots. You’ll find some people wearing these and when you see them you should point and shout, “Werner, what are THOSE?!?!?!”
If you step in something with shoes on, you still step in something. If you step in something with shoes off, you still step in something. Either way, you’re going to step into and onto stuff, wearing shoes will not make a difference…so ditch the concept. Be free and don’t waste those precious 10 seconds putting on shoes. Rather spend that time announcing how drunk you are at 10am…everybody loves that.
You’re telling me Frodo could hike to Mordor barefoot but you can’t even take a stroll down Boom Street without hurting yourself on a pebble?
12. Accept Free Drugs from Strangers
LoH: 6 in Morder 9 at the Redbull Stage
No matter what the organisers do and although drugs are not allowed in the fest, some people will always manage to sneak them in. If you’re going to bring some from home, you may get caught in which case, I’ll bring some “Chem is my Lawyer” cards. However, some of you may think you’ll score some while you’re there and you may just.
This will allow you to pack lighter and not burden your drug dealer at home with demand for extra supply. Taking drugs from strangers is a great idea because it contains the element of surprise. You could get a disco biscuit that could be laced with ecstasy or cyanide and you won’t know until you’ve taken it. You can even use it to play an interactive game with your friends who didn’t come; post a photo with the substance on your tongue with the hashtags #YouAreWhatYouEat and #WhatAmI.
If you make the post public, the police might even find you and cause you to sleep on a cold floor next to a dude called Babbah which would increase your LoH by 1.
13. Be a Complete Prawny Box
Get in there with every intention to ruin peoples’ time! Piss on random tents, be mean to the people cleaning the toilets and fight with the security guard because you want to take your glass bottle inside. The meaner you are, the more likely the 20 000 or so other people will find out who you are and that’s what you want right? The fame!
Steal some camping chairs, grab the hubbly pipe out of somebody’s hand and throw 5L of petrol on another campsite’s fire. There’s so much damage you can do and the great thing about the spirit of Oppi is that any damage you do shall be returned unto you.
So if you really wana harm yourself, climb onto the stage during Satanic Dagga Orgy’s set and punch Pete in the face! The crowd will determine how much above 10 your LoH will go!